The Sacred Hijab

It was a little white hijab

Which my mom gave me.

A pure white clean hijab,

That grew with me forever.

But once I stained it with Coco,

With the sweet chocolate I ate

On one of the days of my childhood.

The stain looked like lost innocence.

During the hot summer school days,

My hijab used to be spoilt with dust,

So that everyone who saw me

Took me for a naughty little girl.

And then a big ‘royal’ blue spot on it,

With the Hero pen in my hand,

When I scratched my head from the class.

A mark that showed my untidy days.

The teenage life stained the bigger hijab

With spots of human flesh and blood.

Like raindrops, they adorned my hijab now,

For the big bad word of my friends,

That often dropped from my lips.

Once, during the youthful college days,

To my surprise I saw a dark spot on it,

Which smelt so bad and looked very dirty.

A piece of my secret heart, I saw in it,

A stain for not lowering my gaze from others,

And for not controlling my feelings.

Now the passions gone, youth ended,

I wanted to turn the leaf of my life,

And get back my pure white hijab.

Today I washed and washed my hijab,


With soap and water and Clorox.

But all the stains still stand fresh.

When will I ever learn, its not my hijab

But my stained heart inside me

That is to be washed again and again?

The Lost Baby

I am back again.... After almost 1 year.  Even though I'm a little glad to be hear in my page, I am really very sad. There is a very sad news to share with you all. I lost my baby, or my Hamdu mon as I planned to call him. The reason? The Umpilical cord got knotted around his neck! I wonder what a reason this is! The cord that feeds him and keeps him alive, killed him??!! What all things God can do!

At first I was reaaly shocked and sad ....and... I used to ask myself why did this happen to me? But I think even when  God plans terrible things for us, He also gives us the strength to get across those bad times. Or atleast, that was the case for me. I sometimes feel it was good that God took back my son He gave me.  I'm sure God will protect and take of him more than me. He will have Angels to play with, fruits and food to eat that no one in this world have heard of,  rivers of honey and milk to bath, golden glasses and plates ( and baby bottles?!!) in which he will eat... and most of all, he will be in Heaven, and he will be waiting for me there.

But still, tears drop down my cheeks... when I type these thoughts. The sadness of not being able to see my first little baby. The sadness of not being able to hold him in my arms, the sadness of not being able to kiss him... and above all, the sadness of not being able to breast feed him. I delivered him on May 14th. He will be in his fourht month now, making sounds, laughing, crying and trying to turn around on his belly. :-)

I request to everyone who reads this post, to pray for me, that I reach near my Hamdu mon, in Heaven, soon. And don't forget to include his father too in your prayer.

May God bless us all, with special blessings to all the mothers who have lost their children...

The Movements Inside

This is a very beautiful part of your life. Your pregnancy period, after the first trimester. There is no ear piercing cries of the new-born, no running behind the naughty little kid, no burning the mid-night oil for the 10th grade teenager... You just feel the ripples of life inside you...And you sit talking to that life, dreaming about it and planning its life ahead... 

I sit and talk to that life inside me, for hours. I don't know if  (s)he can understand it, but I do it. Let me call it Vava(= baby in malayalam). I tell Vava about the God, trees, flowers, sky, sea, people, kids, birds, animals... about everything under the sun. This world is a a big, complex, fantastic place to see. Well, I also tell Vava about the negative part of the world -the corrupt politicians, war, injustice, illiteracy,  poverty and all that. But even with these problems, I think we are blessed with the life we got to see this place.

I wonder if everybody does this. The tiny movements inside... I wonder what Vava is doing when it makes such movements... playing? kicking? or just dreaming like me? May be it is dreaming about the world I have explained... Waiting anxiously to see this place. Will it understand anything when I say things like flowers, sea, war etc? Well, I don't know. Does anybody out there know about it? I like to believe it does, and those with an answer NO for the above question, please don't respond!

After many days....

So a post after about two months... There is good news to share. And some not very bad news too. 

Good news: I'm going to be a mom, for the first time! Alhamdulillah.

Bad  news :I find it difficult to read, watch TV, look at my laptop and talk in a fone :-( . My first trimester is over, and with it, the other difficulties too. But still having some small problems like I said. So, sorry for not posting anything regularly. 

Thanks for your comments.... i'll try to keep in touch, and do forgive me if i'm not able to.

Eid Mubarak

 

Eid Mubarak

Loneliness

Where have all the people gone?

I open my eyes and find myself surrounded

With only the squirrels and doves in the garden.

I open my mouth for a refreshing yawn,

But it ends in a cry of despair.

I search for my shadow 

But the sun has locked it up.

In  my dream, my room was filled,

Filled with friends, family and relatives.

But I'm alone, so alone now.

I wish I could sleep again...

 

My grandmother-in-law passed away this morning. May Allah rest her soul in peace, forgive her her mistakes and gather us all in His paradise.

A song of Ramadan

Ramadan Kareem